fear of growing up.

today is the 5th day. still no word from you. i don't know what's happened to you. you don't reply or answer my calls. it's like you just vanished from the face of the earth. even your friends don't know where you are. or maybe they do, and they just won't tell me. they say that maybe you left town, maybe even the country. maybe you did. but why didn't you tell anyone? what happened to you? where are you?

i was thinking a while ago. we've gone through so much. so many ups and downs. so many obstacles. and yet we're back to square one. it made me wonder. where you ever really there? maybe i just imagined you? maybe i just brought you to life with my imagination? you and your friends... maybe you don't really exist. or maybe i don't exist.

maybe i was blinded by the idea of love and falling in love. could it be... that i actually dreamed you up? it can't be. you're real. i know it. i spent years talking to you and laughing with you. but why can't i feel you now? i don't know where you are. i don't have the faintest clue as to where you are. i don't know who you're with. you're not answering my texts or my calls. where are you?

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i haven't been a good friend to my friends these months either. it's as if i distanced myself from them. i don't even know if it's what i want or not. maybe this is what happens when people grow up. they grow detached from one another. maybe this is part of growing up. am i growing up? but i still feel that i have the mind of a 15-year old. but am i actually growing up?

i've complained and hated my job for the past few months. but now, it feels okay. maybe because i've somehow adjusted to my workplace and co-workers. or maybe 'cause i know that this is my destiny. this is what has been planned for me. and i know that i have no way out. but am i actually growing up? am i actually learning to understand responsibility? am i actually, god forbid, enjoying my work? am i turning into those people i used to describe as boring?
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i still have my plans in life. finish a script and direct a movie. yes, they still are part of my life's goals. but maybe i should set "the youngest director to win an oscar" aside for now :) i still have plans. and i do plan to achieve them. live in another country, maybe. but the thought of it scares me too. but maybe that's just what i need. to embrace my fear. but i'm scared that if i do, i might actually find people telling me that i AM growing up.
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i'm scared of growing up. and i'm scared of disappointing the people who are around me.

sacrifices are made all the time. i guess it's a matter of time that i know what should be sacrificed.
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and i'm still waiting for news on your return. wherever you may be, there are people here who are waiting for you. i'm one of them.