sacrifice is the key word to my being. and it sucks.

i should've gone to the byo to help out. wondering how jane is coping up there, what with the eb in the bidding thing. and even if i wanted to go, i didn't have a way. so there.... bugger.

it still keeps on bothering me. the concept of familiarity (www.tabulas.com/~weirdlycute). it was fun at first. having and knowing other people who are experiencing the same situation as you. exchanging notes/experiences with them and finding out at that you're two peas in a pod. you see everything in this bright light and that your future's perfect.

but the feeling doesn't last long. something i discovered along the way to my 'perfect future.' i can honestly say that my life is, in need for a better word, crap. i used to agree with the others that we should be with our own race. it's what's best for us. same traditions. same culture. same bloodline. same shit. but, is it what i really want? liking someone outside our race gave me the answer. hell, no.

you'd have to kill me first before i ever go back to the someone-filipino-courted-me situation. that time, my life was totally shitty. i had no liberty of doing anything. my every move was being watched. i may be exaggerating a little, but you get the point. going home was the most tiring thing i did back then. facing reality was the hardest thing to deal with.

i've put myself in their shoes at times and yes, i find it hard to decide. i've heard others say that they too would stick to the rules. rules... as if there's a book that states hundreds and thousands of do's and dont's.

you like someone. but you can't have him. or yet, you stop yourself from even liking him. why? because of others. you're scared of getting hurt, not from him, but from others.

imagining the 'perfect life' in the future. pure. clean. able. and everyone's happy. you're happy as well, but not as happy as you could've been with that someone from the past. a past you couldn't grasp. couldn't hold on to.
what should be always wins over what could be. and that sucks.

someone once told me to say what i wanted to say and not what others want me to say. society dictates what a person should be. what i say is 'no.' which results to where i am now. pondering. wishing. thinking. faced with a new ordeal.

don't get the wrong idea. i love my life and i love being me. some people may get how i feel and some people will think that i'm just a crazy bitch, condradicting everything i've said. if you get the saying that with great power (bloodline/tradition) comes great responsibility. then you most certainly will understand that in my case, sacrifice is the key word to my being. and i don't like it; not even a bit.

the lake house. shifting entries. random words.

the lake house. nice movie. chick flick. alvin hated it. hahaha :) but i loved it.

anyway, i'm still in between blogs right now. i'm trying to see which blog is easier to use (blogspot or tabulas) hehe :) i've some entries in tabulas if you're really bored to death and want to read my entries :) hehehe :)

www.tabulas.com/~weirdlycute

plus, if you want to read some of my poems, please feel free to go to http://www.weirdly_cute.blogspot.com. :)

ojt 1 ongoing. having rehearsals and arnis lessons already. preparing for a production to be shown on august. "duyan ng kagitingan" or "hero's cradle" written by nathan mazo and translated by nikki torres. nice script. exciting production. can't wait. hehe :)

other than the production, byo's work is piling up too. not having an editor doesn't help us out at all. i know our editor's busy with his work and all, but it's kind of unfair to us literary staffers. he has his reasons.

the office seems distant nowadays. maybe not to all, but to me. GA's all start and end in silence. a parade of gloomy faces. what was the phrase one of the byo people used? ah yes, "slave driver." but whatever happens, i'm just a staffer. got to follow the rules.

down in the dumps lately. don't know if it's because i don't love my role in the production (yet), the untouched load pinned on my corkboard in the office or 'just because.'

life. hurt. anger. pain. agony. tragedy. hope.

darkness. gloom. sadness. rumble. clouds. gray. glimmer. ray. brightness.

just random words.

wandering days...

just read a few people's blogs a while ago... :) had the same experience as one of my friends... didn't expect greenbelt to be strict about the age limit for the da vinci code... was actually surprised when i was about to enter the movie house with achi... the girl actually blocked my way and asked me how old i was? :) hahahaha :) as in! when i told her i was 18, she even asked me what year and what month i was born? what the?! :) well, i guess i should take that as a compliment... :P that means i ain't looking that old yet :) hahaha :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

watched a couple of movies already for the past few weeks... watched with achi since she still had free time :) the da vinci code, xmen 3, over the hedge, cars, and inside man :) yes, we watched all those in a span of two to three weeks. wow... hahaha :) it was pretty fun.. movie marathon :P i really liked cars... tom mater and doc hudson are the best! :) and how can i ever forget to mention guido and filmore? hehehe :) love pixar's works... real cute.. plus, loved the storyline... quite touching :)

inside man, on the other and, kept me on my toes :) not sure if i should put it under the thriller/suspense genre or something else :) hehehe :) but it had a cool plot.. and it definitely was the PERFECT robbery :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, i guess i'm pretty much summing up what happened the past few weeks of my life :) hmm... it wasn't that exciting actually... :) getting ready for our arnis lessons this coming monday.. we need the lessons for an upcoming production :) part of our ojt requirements... really cool... :)

we had our first production meeting last thursday (06-15-06). sat down with ms. alfon and her freshly bakes cookies and yummy spaghetti, the ojt class, nathan, and some new faces and names... i dunno... i felt that it was the lambanog prod meeting all over again... :) though i wasn't THAT involved in the discussion (i mean, they were talking about the sound design and stuff), it felt pretty good to be part of the meeting :) and i couldn't erase the thought that this was going to be my life. this was my world; my life once i graduate. and i couldn't help but feel, i dunno, sad and happy at the same time.

yes, i'm still pretty much confused with what i really want in life. i mean, will i pursue film or stick with theater, go to tv or advertising or settle down for office work? i don't know. my life is really a mess right now, obviously... well, i'll just hope for the best.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------