baring it all.

if you just knew... how hard it is for me too. if you just knew... i never meant for things to be this way. if you just knew...


the last time i cried, you were there by my side. mbc had told me that he was married to his work. i cried. you were the one i called. you asked me if i was laughing or crying. you said you couldn't make out my words. you told a joke and told me to calm down. you were the one who made me laugh. you made me smile. you comforted me.


this time around, i'm crying because of you.... and i have no familiar hand to hold.


bitch. stupid. weak. those words i know describe me best. as of the moment, i know that what i am going through "serves me right" because of what i did to you. you treated me well. heck, you treated me with all the goodness in the world. you were my version of "the best." but i can't always have the best, now can i?


it started during worlite class. you and i had gotten close. you texted every after class then, an "ingat on your way home!" soon enough, you told me your feelings. you asked if i had them too? we were so innocent, so full of joy. i said yes, i felt them too. you were ecstatic, jumping up with joy. i told you i felt scared. you told me that you were scared too. but you were willing to fight. you asked me if i was willing to fight too? i guess now we know who stayed true.

you got to know my friends. you bonded with them and everything was cool. you started to hang out with us. you spent all of your free time with me. you gave it all to me. you didn't spend much time with your friends because you wanted to spend it with me. i know all this because you told me so. we all became rugin's "roommates." you became our non-tech theater group mate. you taught me how to play with vegas. come to think of it, you taught me how to do a lot of things. you taught me how to love freely and how to follow my heart... guess that lesson didn't really sink in.

you helped us out in every single project. from bond to the birds to our mcdo commercial. you provided us transportation and gave us a hand. you did all of this for me, with no other demands. when i was having a hard time, you stayed by my side. you made sure that i was all right. you helped lift my spirit in times i needed a friend. you made sure that i was always all right. you made sure that i was safe. with you, everything was all right, esp. when you hugged me tight.

shooting dates for bond. you stayed until it was done. we shot in alabang. you lived in alabang. and yet you drove me home. i lived way up north but you still found the time. you were sleepy and tired. but you made sure i got home safely. it was 2 in the morning, the latest day in the shoot. you stayed until pack up and drove me home. we were already in the south but yet you drove me home. sweet things can never be forgotten. i was truly loved by you.

we had dozens of talks. about tradition and stuff. a few weeks during worlite class. in your car. the day we had to go to the theater for sir jay's class. outside the yearbook office. we had innumerable talks. we can't be together. we knew that. our talks always ended in "there's no need to rush. we're just two people in love."

you asked me once, "do you have to ask permission to fall in love?"

when you left for singapore, you told me you loved me. you told me you would miss me. i didn't answer you back. you gave me mocha to hold. you gave me mocha to hug. you gave me mocha to take care of me. you even texted me when you were in singapore, just to let me know you cared.

when you came back, you asked if i missed you. i said no, but you were on my mind every single day. it sounds weird, hearing it again. but that was how i felt. no, i didn't miss you. but yes, you were on my mind. ironic but true. it was the same when you asked me if i loved you. i told you that sometimes i do. you laughed, "so sometimes you don't love me and sometimes you do? well, at least you do love me... sometimes nga lang."

we were going to eat at kfc. hannah was going to buy sisig. we were standing in front of pizza hut. i saw a girl with a round box. i said, "sure ako cake yan." you said that maybe it was. you put your arms around me then. you kissed my cheek. it felt so right then and there. a perfect moment indeed.

your crazy antics of making me laugh never fail to amuse me. and my friends.

i shouted in your face. i don't know why i did it. you looked down and turned away. but never for a minute did you leave my side. i said sorry and you said you understood. a hurting puppy-look on your face. but you said you understood. you hugged me and everything faded away.

"keep your hands to yourselves." -magic 89.9

you gave me tiger. well, you wanted to name him danger. i disagreed. you gave me him for christmas. he was wrapped in a box along with three chocolate flower lollipops. you said that i should beware of what was inside the box. when i opened it, i smiled.

i was almost kicked out of the house when i mentioned your name. i was given the silent treatment whenever you drove me home. i couldn't talk on the phone with you. guess if i wasn't stopped when i had a ton of pills in my hand, i wouldn't be typing this right now.

we watched the devil wears prada and zsa zsa zaturnnah. but with friends.

you gave me a necklace with a flower pendant during valentine's day. you asked me to close my eyes and put it on my neck. you were nervous. you skipped your class. we went to moa for a few minutes but then we had to go back to school. i had to go home.

you gave me kybe (pinky bear) and a bracelet for my birthday. it brightened up my day, esp. after we got a 1.0 on our course cards. you were always there for me.

when we text, you got conscious of your grammar. you were making tampo. you texted me a message that had one misspelled word. you texted me the message again with the word spelled correctly. i laughed. "crazy girl, i'm here pouring my heart out. and of course, binibigyan mo ng pansin yung grammar ko."

barbs. crazy girl. dino sounds. wabu. mybe.

we were never an item. we couldn't be. we were... as people say, friends with benefits.

you did a lot of things for me.

you said, "You were holding on to me while I was holding on to us. I tried to keep myself strong for the both of us. Maybe it’s time I should let you go. Maybe it’s time for me to let go of “us."

we both knew we couldn't be. we both knew this was going to end. but why does it hurt so much?

i have my faults. i'm sorry. but this is what i have to do. i'm a bitch for hurting you. and all i can say is that i'm sorry.

i wish we could be friends once more. if you can forgive me. but no, i did not do what you think i did. i would never do that to you. i might be blaming it all on tradition, but everything i'm saying is true. i did not go out to get over you. i would never do anything to hurt you. you must know that by now.

but then again, who am i to trust? i just want you to know that i have been true.

if you believe in me, that would be the greatest thing. i miss you. i really do.

back to school. new challenges. new building.

back to school... back to projects and stress... and most of all, back to life.

guess bitterness sometimes can get the best out of you. i have lost a friend. as the lyrics go, "where did i go wrong, i lost a friend. somewhere along in the bitterness..." yes, i have lost a dear friend of mine. i don't know what will happen when the two of us meet in the school hallways. i don't know how i will react. but i guess waiting for him to greet me first is my best bet. it is he who is mad at me. misunderstanding and miscommunication can be such a deadly tool.

going to the topic of the school of design and arts building... it is HUGE. yes, my school is not just big, it is HUGE. HUMONGOUS. and it's colored white. so double the huge-ness :) hahaha :) me and my friends are still getting lost inside the new building. thank goodness for the security people in their barongs who are there for us in every floor of our 14 floor building. they even open the doors for us! how cool is that?! hahaha :)

downside with the building is that there are only 5 elevators and a population of hundreds of students entering the campus. and only 2-3 elevators are actually in use. imagine this: we started lining up at around 2:10pm; we got to the 9th floor by 2:35pm; thus, making us late for our class. ugh. hahahaha :) oh well. also, when someone speaks in the classroom, his/her voice echoes. and it's hard to hear the prof speaking. it's like hearing this, "good morning, class!" ... class...class... class..class.. okay, i'm exaggerating. but you get the point.

nonetheless, i like our new building :) it's so.... new. hahahaha :)

my letter to you...

tradition has always haunted me. for the past years, i've come to rebel against tradition. for me, it is forsaken. a curse and a blessing at the same time. i have fought against tradition a couple of times, and i have always lost.

with you, tradition was one big problem but you made it seem small. you told me once that as long as we enjoy each other's company, tradition will never get the best of us. it will always be there - a problem, a hindrance - but it will never destroy us. i believed in those words. i believed that i could do it. i knew that i would fight for what i deemed right.

but again, i have lost. i have lost the fight; i have failed. i know that these words will mean nothing to you. but saying it out beats storing it inside.

you once said that there were things that keep us apart... race and class were part of them. at first, i did not understand. or maybe i didn't want to understand. either way, i thought nonsense of it. but maybe you're assumptions were correct. you have always been the smarter one.

all i can say is that i'm not sorry with the decision i made. i know that i might be sorry in the future. but i live by the motto, "i will regret it greatly when the time comes." i know i will regret my decision but i also know that it is the right one to make.

i will always cherish what you and i have or had. our friendship means a lot to me. and i treasure it a lot. i don't want to lose you. that's for sure.

tradition will always be part of my life. i guess it is time i realize that. i cannot hide from it. so i won't. i cannot escape it. i might consider it a hindrance, but it is part of who i am.

i'm sorry for the pain. i guess that's all i can say.

i hope not much will change.

you will always have a place in my heart and my life. you know that.

i just hope to God that what i'm doing is right.