sacrifice is the key word to my being. and it sucks.

i should've gone to the byo to help out. wondering how jane is coping up there, what with the eb in the bidding thing. and even if i wanted to go, i didn't have a way. so there.... bugger.

it still keeps on bothering me. the concept of familiarity (www.tabulas.com/~weirdlycute). it was fun at first. having and knowing other people who are experiencing the same situation as you. exchanging notes/experiences with them and finding out at that you're two peas in a pod. you see everything in this bright light and that your future's perfect.

but the feeling doesn't last long. something i discovered along the way to my 'perfect future.' i can honestly say that my life is, in need for a better word, crap. i used to agree with the others that we should be with our own race. it's what's best for us. same traditions. same culture. same bloodline. same shit. but, is it what i really want? liking someone outside our race gave me the answer. hell, no.

you'd have to kill me first before i ever go back to the someone-filipino-courted-me situation. that time, my life was totally shitty. i had no liberty of doing anything. my every move was being watched. i may be exaggerating a little, but you get the point. going home was the most tiring thing i did back then. facing reality was the hardest thing to deal with.

i've put myself in their shoes at times and yes, i find it hard to decide. i've heard others say that they too would stick to the rules. rules... as if there's a book that states hundreds and thousands of do's and dont's.

you like someone. but you can't have him. or yet, you stop yourself from even liking him. why? because of others. you're scared of getting hurt, not from him, but from others.

imagining the 'perfect life' in the future. pure. clean. able. and everyone's happy. you're happy as well, but not as happy as you could've been with that someone from the past. a past you couldn't grasp. couldn't hold on to.
what should be always wins over what could be. and that sucks.

someone once told me to say what i wanted to say and not what others want me to say. society dictates what a person should be. what i say is 'no.' which results to where i am now. pondering. wishing. thinking. faced with a new ordeal.

don't get the wrong idea. i love my life and i love being me. some people may get how i feel and some people will think that i'm just a crazy bitch, condradicting everything i've said. if you get the saying that with great power (bloodline/tradition) comes great responsibility. then you most certainly will understand that in my case, sacrifice is the key word to my being. and i don't like it; not even a bit.